A Very Special Version of Hell: Posting Game (play now!)

[Ytts]

The purpose of this thread is to post an amusing, ironic and specially crafted version of hell for your preferred choice of sinner.

I'll demonstrate:

[Dalton]

This thread can only lead to people getting all angsty and worked up over somebody that offends them somehow--most likely members of religious or political factions holding opposing viewpoints.

If I am wrong I'll pour myself a bowl of my words with lowfat milk and dig in.

[Moondog]

...Demonstrate what!? I don't see anything.

DON'T HOLD OUT ON ME, MAN. I CAN'T HANDLE THE SUSPENSE. -sobs-

[Ytts]

In A Very Special Hell for technical newsgroup posters:


When newsgroup posters die, they will go to my Special Hell that I have created just for them. It will be exactly like real life, except with one exception.

Whenever you ask anyone for help "My car broken down, can I get a ride? Could you hold that door for me? Would you hit
the lights, please? Anyone got a light?" you will immediately have the following things happen to you.

First: someone will offer to help you, then retract their offer of help five seconds later and tell you what you want to do is not standards compliant and you're doing it wrong anyway and should never want to do that in the first place. It doesn't matter if you're struggling to get through a door with an armload of groceries or about to fall of a cliff, whatever it is, it isn't standards compliant.

Second: someone with an almost incomprehensible italian accent will berate you for having poor pronunciation and then tell you to learn English. It doesn't matter how impeccable your speech may be, the italian still find some imaginary fault.

Third: someone will offer to help you grow a larger member.

Four: someone will refuse to help you on the basis that you are a newb and tell you to contribute something to the community before 'demanding' that the more experienced member's of hell's newsgroup help you out. This will continue no matter how many centuries you've been in hell - someone will always have been there longer.

Five: someone will say something that appears to be helpful on the surface but turns out to actually get you in worse trouble. "Try letting go with your right hand and grabbing your left one to give you more support to get up over the cliff." You won't be able to tell whether the person is a complete idiot or is insidiously clever and designing these pieces of bad advice just to trip you up. Or both.

Six: you'll be told to download firefox. If you later repeat your request for help, with more urgency because now both your house and now yourself are on fire, you'll again be asked if you've downloaded firefox yet. Eventually you will (provided you survive long enough to get to your computer) but it won't do anything to fix your problem. When you bring this up, you'll be blamed for "messing up the default settings." Someone will point out that they downloaded firefox and they haven't spontaneously combusted.

Seven: someone will give you advice, but it will be completely irrelevant to what you're doing. If you're trying to find your wallet, someone will ask if you've tried turning it off and on again. If you're trying to get your computer working, someone will ask you to try looking in your dresser. Whether you take the advice or not, they'll get mad at you for not following it properly.

Eight: You'll be accused of being a troll for speaking loudly and will be banned from the newslist for a day. If you manage to get your car started again and drive back into town, you'll be asked whether you've learned an important lesson in kindness today.

Nine: Six months later after failing to find emergency contraception someone will abruptly jump out from around the corner and demand that you tell them if you ever managed to solve your problem since they need help Right Now.