Week 15 in review:
In response to the "I hate the Giants" sentiment, may I present you with a rage-induced megapost response to that sentiment:
"
You listen here and you listen good, you son of a bitch.
A decade of spectacular failure? That's what you call that? Because I'm counting, hold on, one two three four playoff appearances in there, not to mention let's count again, one two three four playoff WINS. Including, you know, the most spectacular, life-affirming, yes-Jesus-loves-you win of all time. You murdered SATAN and we all WATCHED you. You stopped the deathmarch of the New England Patriots, and shit, you almost stopped it in the regular season!
YOU, motherfucker, have absolutely no right to talk about a decade of spectacular failure, because YOU, motherfucker, of all people, should know what spectacular failure looks like, because YOUR TEAM CREATED IT.
I don't know if you ever heard of this little team called the Buffalo Bills.
Do you know this man? Because you fucking should, prick. His name is Scott "Fucking" Norwood, a name synonymous with the phrases "laces out" and "No good, wide right." Because he missed a field goal, the final play of Super Bowl XXV, the Buffalo Bills did not win a Super Bowl that your team, the New York Giants, did. In fact, it began a run of what should be considered the single greatest run of excellence and consistency in NFL history, something that has never been repeated. But your team started it. That wall of mental weakness. If Scott Norwood isn't wide right, does Thurman Thomas lose his helmet? Is there another positive memory of Super Bowl XXVII besides Don Beebe stopping Leon Lett's march to the end zone? Do the Bills not quit the fourth time in when the going gets tough?
Aww, your team makes the playoffs and loses their first round. My team has not seen the playoffs since we benched Doug Flutie, the single greatest comeback story the NFL had seen that decade, for Rob Johnson. We haven't sniffed the playoffs since.
How about this, since I think you need this properly illustrated.
2002: 8-8, dead last in the AFC East, while everyone else tied for first. The first Drew Bledsoe year, and poor Drew kept us in contention his entire fucking tenure here. He deserved better from every team he ever played for.
2003: 6-10, dead last in the AFC East, and the first year the New England Patriots truly ascend to the top of the division. Our first-round pick was Willis McGahee, who would leave us for greener pastures in Baltimore in 2007 before becoming Tim Tebow's plucky sidekick this year.
2004: 9-7! A winning record! THIRD in the AFC East! The year we drafted Lee Evans and JP Losman. Evans went on to be one of our greatest receivers of all time before being traded to Baltimore for a can of magic beans. JP Losman went on to be MVP of the UFL's Las Vegas Locos. A season saved by a 9-2 deathmarch after an 0-4 start. Which means we got shitty draft positions and fooled ourselves into thinking we were about to turn the corner. Any day now. IN FACT, we might have made the playoffs, but we could not beat the Pittsburgh Steelers playing all backups in the final game of the season. But that's okay! Because we came close, right?!
2005: 5-11. Third in the AFC East because the Jets were amazingly WORSE that year. We didn't have a first-rounder, but our second-round pick was Roscoe Parrish. He is currently hiding somewhere in Ralph Wilson Stadium's mechanical room, surviving on feral cats and making a coat of their skins. The plaster cast he fashioned during team holidays and nobody was looking to house his broken leg is holding. For now.
2006: 7-9. Third in the AFC East by a game over Miami. We fired our GM and brought Marv Levy in to save us. Our first-round pick was Donte Whitner, a safety who played rather well for us. This year, he plays rather well for San Francisco. We didn't feel like paying more than the 3-year, $11 million contract that the 49ers did. Look at them now. Look at us now.
2007: 7-9 again, but an amazing SECOND in the AFC East! SECOND PLACE!!! Only guess what! That's the year the New England Patriots did THAT to the league, and the Bills took it in the ass from them, losing by a combined score of 94-17. But what a fantastic draft! Marshawn Lynch, who we traded for god damn near NOTHING to the Seahawks! Paul Pozluzny, who left us in free agency to go suck in Jacksonville! TRENT EDWARDS!!!!!!!! Complain about Eli Manning at your own fucking peril, because you didn't deal with Trent Edwards.
2008: The year that broke our hearts. We started 5-1. We believed, just like we believed this year. We weren't just winning, but we were winning convincingly. We drafted this dude named Stevie Johnson in the seventh round. It took him awhile, but he came around! Here's the trouble though - it all went horribly fucking wrong. Trent Edwards gave up a safety and a game-losing field goal to Miami in Week 8, and the death spiral could never be stopped. We finished 7-9, dead last in the AFC East.
2009: The AFC Legacy year! We played in our old jerseys, jerseys in which we won our two AFL championships. Yes, Virginia, we won a league once. TWICE, in fact. The season started with a MNF game against New England. And god damn it we almost WON the thing except last year's first-round pick, Leodis McKelvin, fumbled a kickoff return at his own 31, setting up the game-losing touchdown. We stumbled to 3-6 and Dick Jauron was finally, mercifully fired. This was also the year, incidentally, that included a 6-3 loss to the Cleveland Browns, a game widely remembered by anyone who saw it as the worst fucking football game in the history of mankind. This was the game Derek Anderson went 2-17 for 23 yards, making this the worst quarterback to win a football game in NFL history. Trent Edwards was replaced for a stretch by Ryan Fitzpatrick. It was a nice change of pace. Not that it mattered. Not that it ever matters. We finished 6-10, dead last in the AFC East. Our first-round pick was Aaron Maybin, who now plays for New York more effectively than he ever did for Buffalo. Rex Ryan signed him just to say "Fuck you." And it worked. In the offseason, we threw everything at everyone. Shanahan, Cowher, somebody, ANYBODY to coach this team. Perry Fewell decided he'd rather be the defensive coordinator for YOUR New York Giants, and don't you forget for a fucking second that I'm talking to you Jon, fucking Jon, you fucking asshole Jon with his decade of spectacular failure, then be the head coach of the Buffalo Bills. We ended up with Chan Gailey because literally nobody else would pick up the phone.
Oh yeah, Terrell Owens was here. That was kinda funny.
2010: The year they started 0-8. The year Buddy Nix started free agency in bed asleep. The year that I found out that the Bills won their first game of the year via the Fox postgame show, and blackout rules prevented them from showing the final play of the game against Detroit, but it sure didn't prevent them from showing the Fox NFL Sunday team watching it on an off-screen TV. I was watching people watching football. And that's how I learned the Bills weren't winless anymore. Edwards was benched in Week 3 and finally cut for Fitzpatrick and his amazing beard. We finished 4-12, dead last in the AFC East. That's three in a row if you lost count. Our first round pick was CJ Spiller, and nobody knew why, since Fred Jackson was not only on our roster, but really fucking good.
2011: We started 5-2. We've lost seven in a row since. We gave Ryan Fitzpatrick fifty million dollars and he fell off a cliff immediately thereafter. Fred Jackson broke his leg and he's out for the year. Roscoe Parrish broke his leg and he's out for the year. Lee Evans is gone. Stevie Johnson blames God for his failings. We allowed Reggie Bush to run for the most yards in a game of his entire career - 203. We are eliminated from postseason contention. We are going to finish dead last in the AFC East again. We are not going to make the playoffs again. We have won just enough football games to ensure a middling first-round pick, which will either be okay and leave us after the initial contract or be someone we simply do not need. Or they'll be good after we cut them.
So if you lost count in the midst of that, that's one winning season, four straight last-place finishes and six overall, a division where instead of the Redskins to kick around, we have New England (who Tom Brady has never, ever lost to). There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is a tunnel at the end of the tunnel. It's the tunnel where Roscoe Parrish has dinner ready for us.
A decade of spectacular failure? No, you fucking whiny little baby, that is not a decade of spectacular failure. That is four playoff wins and four playoff appearances. That is a team that is staying firmly in its home market, never to leave. That's a team where various outlets have Scott Norwood's jersey in a place of honor, because that's the kind of shitheap that roots for the New York Giants.
When you go to bed, I want you to thank the LORD for the New York Giants. I want you to feel blessed for your loyalties to a team that puts out quality football for any stretch of time, let alone a period where you could say "defending Super Bowl champions," a phrase I can never, ever say. I, and fellow Bills fans like me, can't even MENTION the Super Bowl without the wry smiles coming, the smug grins. Any mention of the Bills comes with that stigma, a stigma that should be a point of pride.
It started with your team.
If there's any justice in the world, you will be punched square in the taint by Jesus Christ himself, and he will stand over your double-over body, pointing out that HE didn't miss wide left.
There's only one team in New York, and it isn't yours.
There's only one team in New York, and it would kill for the pieces you have on defense.
There's only one team in New York, and you should be keenly fucking aware of that.
There's only one team in New York, and it does not want to hear your shit.
Go to hell forever, Jon, and suck my dick before you go.
Toodles,
~ Fancy "
