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Author Topic: A Story called Wild  (Read 3131 times)

ThatKidWithTheRabbit

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A Story called Wild
« on: July 24, 2014, 09:56:03 AM »

There's no artsy sections, so I guess I'll just put this here.

I'm writing a story as a learning project of sorts. I want to get better, so I need people to rip it apart provide critique and constructive criticism. Nothing to focus on in particular. If something seems wonky, let me know because I probably don't see / realize it. Grammar, pacing, anything, everything.

Be brutal. I'm too old for sugar-coating, and thicker skin will help in the winter.

Chapter 1: http://fav.me/d7qdodc
Chapter 2: http://fav.me/d7r78zz
Chapter 3: http://fav.me/d7s8fea
Chapter 4: http://fav.me/d7te5z4
Chapter 5: http://fav.me/d7v0nza
Chapter 6: http://fav.me/d7wnb0c
« Last Edit: August 25, 2014, 02:04:20 PM by ThatKidWithTheRabbit »
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I'm monochrome.

I'm also working on a post-apocalyptic fantasy series, if you're into that sort of thing:
http://thatkidwiththerabbit.deviantart.com/gallery/60715933/Quiet-Book-1-Nadia

ThatKidWithTheRabbit

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Re: A Story called Wild
« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2014, 01:47:57 PM »

Chapter 4 is up, for those who care. A few things I've noticed on my own:

-I botched a bit of characterization in Ch.3, concerning the reactions of a few characters. However, the characters are so minor that I'm not going to fix it. The impression that needed to be left was left by the one that was most likely to leave it.

-I need to spend more time on the environment. I had the early idea of, "I'm not spending a lot of time in this area; it's not that important." I've already spent more time than I thought I would've in this particular area. Poor planning and/or an outline that fluctuated a bit too much.

-The constant saying of names is clunky as hell. I need to work on being more fluid.

-I probably should've introduced the severity of a certain character's strangeness earlier than I did. Again, poor planning.
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I'm monochrome.

I'm also working on a post-apocalyptic fantasy series, if you're into that sort of thing:
http://thatkidwiththerabbit.deviantart.com/gallery/60715933/Quiet-Book-1-Nadia

ThatKidWithTheRabbit

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Re: A Story called Wild
« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2014, 01:08:33 PM »

Internet outages suck ass, as do digital phones. Actually, Time Warner Cable sucks ass. In general. I need to switch services.

Chapter 5 is finally up, for those who care.
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I'm monochrome.

I'm also working on a post-apocalyptic fantasy series, if you're into that sort of thing:
http://thatkidwiththerabbit.deviantart.com/gallery/60715933/Quiet-Book-1-Nadia

ThatKidWithTheRabbit

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Re: A Story called Wild
« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2014, 02:04:06 PM »

And chapter 6. It has violence. I hear that appeals to people or something.
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I'm monochrome.

I'm also working on a post-apocalyptic fantasy series, if you're into that sort of thing:
http://thatkidwiththerabbit.deviantart.com/gallery/60715933/Quiet-Book-1-Nadia

Dr. Javi

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Re: A Story called Wild
« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2014, 03:37:38 PM »

i started reading it mostly because you said to be brutal, and i hate editing/reviewing stuff where people get butthurt when someone doesn't dig their shit.

excep i actually thought it was pretty good.

you already caught the saying-tobias-and-elizabeth too much thing. the only other thing i'd say is slow down—there are too many separations and things progress too quickly, imo. present the setting/environment more clearly; i feel like i was reading of two characters who act in short bursts of excitement and otherwise exist in a black hole.

otherwise good. sentence structure, word-usage, etc. is solid. i think you can expand what you have to be a lot bigger, though. story so far also seems pretty awesome

i'm not sure how into the setting i am so far, but that might also be because i'd rather space robot alien ai hostile human technology takeover. basically pretty awesome characters, work more on setting.

6.5/10, could be 7.5 - 8/10 w/o getting more into the story

would continue reading
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you can clearly see that budapestian bitch has gotta' be soaked in the knickers all fanning herself off

ThatKidWithTheRabbit

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Re: A Story called Wild
« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2014, 11:19:26 PM »

i started reading it mostly because you said to be brutal, and i hate editing/reviewing stuff where people get butthurt when someone doesn't dig their shit.

excep i actually thought it was pretty good.

you already caught the saying-tobias-and-elizabeth too much thing. the only other thing i'd say is slow down—there are too many separations and things progress too quickly, imo. present the setting/environment more clearly; i feel like i was reading of two characters who act in short bursts of excitement and otherwise exist in a black hole.

otherwise good. sentence structure, word-usage, etc. is solid. i think you can expand what you have to be a lot bigger, though. story so far also seems pretty awesome

i'm not sure how into the setting i am so far, but that might also be because i'd rather space robot alien ai hostile human technology takeover. basically pretty awesome characters, work more on setting.

6.5/10, could be 7.5 - 8/10 w/o getting more into the story

would continue reading

Thanks for the feedback!

Describing the environment seems to be my greatest weakness. Someone else pointed this out to me as well, but it's still a problem. I'll continue to focus on it.

No one's mentioned the pacing issue to me before. Unnecessary padding is something I'm terrified of, especially since the last several books I've read was filled with it. It was horrible. But I don't want things to feel rushed, either.
Does it feel rushed because I spend so little time on the environment/setting? I break off my paragraphs when the focus or topic changes; is that the issue?

Thanks again; I really appreciate it!
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I'm monochrome.

I'm also working on a post-apocalyptic fantasy series, if you're into that sort of thing:
http://thatkidwiththerabbit.deviantart.com/gallery/60715933/Quiet-Book-1-Nadia

Dr. Javi

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Re: A Story called Wild
« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2014, 08:07:15 PM »

Does it feel rushed because I spend so little time on the environment/setting? I break off my paragraphs when the focus or topic changes; is that the issue?
i would say yes. i agree, filler's reeeaaal bad. 100% of serial shows are mostly filler.

i think that setting description/development can work as a kind of glue; this way when you break off paragraphs (which usually end up being 1 or 2 sentences iirc) there's something that holds it all together
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you can clearly see that budapestian bitch has gotta' be soaked in the knickers all fanning herself off

ThatKidWithTheRabbit

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Re: A Story called Wild
« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2014, 11:19:52 PM »

Does it feel rushed because I spend so little time on the environment/setting? I break off my paragraphs when the focus or topic changes; is that the issue?
i would say yes. i agree, filler's reeeaaal bad. 100% of serial shows are mostly filler.

i think that setting description/development can work as a kind of glue; this way when you break off paragraphs (which usually end up being 1 or 2 sentences iirc) there's something that holds it all together

Alrighty, I'll give it a shot!
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I'm monochrome.

I'm also working on a post-apocalyptic fantasy series, if you're into that sort of thing:
http://thatkidwiththerabbit.deviantart.com/gallery/60715933/Quiet-Book-1-Nadia