Nexxushost Forums

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  

News:

SMF - Just Installed!

Author Topic: A Story called Wild  (Read 3229 times)

ThatKidWithTheRabbit

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 28
  • I love rainbows.
    • View Profile
    • Quiet: A post-apocalyptic fantasy series
A Story called Wild
« on: July 24, 2014, 09:56:03 AM »

There's no artsy sections, so I guess I'll just put this here.

I'm writing a story as a learning project of sorts. I want to get better, so I need people to rip it apart provide critique and constructive criticism. Nothing to focus on in particular. If something seems wonky, let me know because I probably don't see / realize it. Grammar, pacing, anything, everything.

Be brutal. I'm too old for sugar-coating, and thicker skin will help in the winter.

Chapter 1: http://fav.me/d7qdodc
Chapter 2: http://fav.me/d7r78zz
Chapter 3: http://fav.me/d7s8fea
Chapter 4: http://fav.me/d7te5z4
Chapter 5: http://fav.me/d7v0nza
Chapter 6: http://fav.me/d7wnb0c
« Last Edit: August 25, 2014, 02:04:20 PM by ThatKidWithTheRabbit »
Logged
I'm monochrome.

I'm also working on a post-apocalyptic fantasy series, if you're into that sort of thing:
http://thatkidwiththerabbit.deviantart.com/gallery/60715933/Quiet-Book-1-Nadia

ThatKidWithTheRabbit

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 28
  • I love rainbows.
    • View Profile
    • Quiet: A post-apocalyptic fantasy series
Re: A Story called Wild
« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2014, 01:47:57 PM »

Chapter 4 is up, for those who care. A few things I've noticed on my own:

-I botched a bit of characterization in Ch.3, concerning the reactions of a few characters. However, the characters are so minor that I'm not going to fix it. The impression that needed to be left was left by the one that was most likely to leave it.

-I need to spend more time on the environment. I had the early idea of, "I'm not spending a lot of time in this area; it's not that important." I've already spent more time than I thought I would've in this particular area. Poor planning and/or an outline that fluctuated a bit too much.

-The constant saying of names is clunky as hell. I need to work on being more fluid.

-I probably should've introduced the severity of a certain character's strangeness earlier than I did. Again, poor planning.
Logged
I'm monochrome.

I'm also working on a post-apocalyptic fantasy series, if you're into that sort of thing:
http://thatkidwiththerabbit.deviantart.com/gallery/60715933/Quiet-Book-1-Nadia

ThatKidWithTheRabbit

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 28
  • I love rainbows.
    • View Profile
    • Quiet: A post-apocalyptic fantasy series
Re: A Story called Wild
« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2014, 01:08:33 PM »

Internet outages suck ass, as do digital phones. Actually, Time Warner Cable sucks ass. In general. I need to switch services.

Chapter 5 is finally up, for those who care.
Logged
I'm monochrome.

I'm also working on a post-apocalyptic fantasy series, if you're into that sort of thing:
http://thatkidwiththerabbit.deviantart.com/gallery/60715933/Quiet-Book-1-Nadia

ThatKidWithTheRabbit

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 28
  • I love rainbows.
    • View Profile
    • Quiet: A post-apocalyptic fantasy series
Re: A Story called Wild
« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2014, 02:04:06 PM »

And chapter 6. It has violence. I hear that appeals to people or something.
Logged
I'm monochrome.

I'm also working on a post-apocalyptic fantasy series, if you're into that sort of thing:
http://thatkidwiththerabbit.deviantart.com/gallery/60715933/Quiet-Book-1-Nadia

Dr. Javi

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 167
    • View Profile
Re: A Story called Wild
« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2014, 03:37:38 PM »

i started reading it mostly because you said to be brutal, and i hate editing/reviewing stuff where people get butthurt when someone doesn't dig their shit.

excep i actually thought it was pretty good.

you already caught the saying-tobias-and-elizabeth too much thing. the only other thing i'd say is slow down—there are too many separations and things progress too quickly, imo. present the setting/environment more clearly; i feel like i was reading of two characters who act in short bursts of excitement and otherwise exist in a black hole.

otherwise good. sentence structure, word-usage, etc. is solid. i think you can expand what you have to be a lot bigger, though. story so far also seems pretty awesome

i'm not sure how into the setting i am so far, but that might also be because i'd rather space robot alien ai hostile human technology takeover. basically pretty awesome characters, work more on setting.

6.5/10, could be 7.5 - 8/10 w/o getting more into the story

would continue reading
Logged
you can clearly see that budapestian bitch has gotta' be soaked in the knickers all fanning herself off

ThatKidWithTheRabbit

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 28
  • I love rainbows.
    • View Profile
    • Quiet: A post-apocalyptic fantasy series
Re: A Story called Wild
« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2014, 11:19:26 PM »

i started reading it mostly because you said to be brutal, and i hate editing/reviewing stuff where people get butthurt when someone doesn't dig their shit.

excep i actually thought it was pretty good.

you already caught the saying-tobias-and-elizabeth too much thing. the only other thing i'd say is slow down—there are too many separations and things progress too quickly, imo. present the setting/environment more clearly; i feel like i was reading of two characters who act in short bursts of excitement and otherwise exist in a black hole.

otherwise good. sentence structure, word-usage, etc. is solid. i think you can expand what you have to be a lot bigger, though. story so far also seems pretty awesome

i'm not sure how into the setting i am so far, but that might also be because i'd rather space robot alien ai hostile human technology takeover. basically pretty awesome characters, work more on setting.

6.5/10, could be 7.5 - 8/10 w/o getting more into the story

would continue reading

Thanks for the feedback!

Describing the environment seems to be my greatest weakness. Someone else pointed this out to me as well, but it's still a problem. I'll continue to focus on it.

No one's mentioned the pacing issue to me before. Unnecessary padding is something I'm terrified of, especially since the last several books I've read was filled with it. It was horrible. But I don't want things to feel rushed, either.
Does it feel rushed because I spend so little time on the environment/setting? I break off my paragraphs when the focus or topic changes; is that the issue?

Thanks again; I really appreciate it!
Logged
I'm monochrome.

I'm also working on a post-apocalyptic fantasy series, if you're into that sort of thing:
http://thatkidwiththerabbit.deviantart.com/gallery/60715933/Quiet-Book-1-Nadia

Dr. Javi

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 167
    • View Profile
Re: A Story called Wild
« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2014, 08:07:15 PM »

Does it feel rushed because I spend so little time on the environment/setting? I break off my paragraphs when the focus or topic changes; is that the issue?
i would say yes. i agree, filler's reeeaaal bad. 100% of serial shows are mostly filler.

i think that setting description/development can work as a kind of glue; this way when you break off paragraphs (which usually end up being 1 or 2 sentences iirc) there's something that holds it all together
Logged
you can clearly see that budapestian bitch has gotta' be soaked in the knickers all fanning herself off

ThatKidWithTheRabbit

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 28
  • I love rainbows.
    • View Profile
    • Quiet: A post-apocalyptic fantasy series
Re: A Story called Wild
« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2014, 11:19:52 PM »

Does it feel rushed because I spend so little time on the environment/setting? I break off my paragraphs when the focus or topic changes; is that the issue?
i would say yes. i agree, filler's reeeaaal bad. 100% of serial shows are mostly filler.

i think that setting description/development can work as a kind of glue; this way when you break off paragraphs (which usually end up being 1 or 2 sentences iirc) there's something that holds it all together

Alrighty, I'll give it a shot!
Logged
I'm monochrome.

I'm also working on a post-apocalyptic fantasy series, if you're into that sort of thing:
http://thatkidwiththerabbit.deviantart.com/gallery/60715933/Quiet-Book-1-Nadia

BrantKr

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1410
    • View Profile
    • professional definition essay writers website gb
cheap thesis proposal editing for hire usa
« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2019, 01:44:45 AM »

Julien Hopkins from Minneapolis was looking for cheap thesis proposal editing for hire usa
 
Jairo Cook found the answer to a search query cheap thesis proposal editing for hire usa
 
 
 

 
 
write my essay
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
2 page essay about myself quizlet
write a composition about your best friend in french video
short essay on fast food advantages and disadvantages google
ideas for nyu stern essay 3
help with  top admission essay on pokemon go
help with  reflective essay on presidential elections
2 page essay on internet matters
duddy kravitz essay
help with my algebra letter
research paper on working capital management
best mba rhetorical analysis essay sample
10 page essay zeus 2016 online
thinking essay writing
how to write a good essay introduce university myself
esl application letter editor service au
pay to get calculus home work
esl assignment writing site for mba
creating source cards research paper
100 essay book and movie example
14th amendment essay impacts video
room description essay
The role of Gender in Colette The Hand
pay for best custom essay on presidential elections
general paper essays model
Courageous living
100 word essay about life format
order best persuasive essay on presidential elections
150 words essay in hindi a journey by train
 
thesis help online
write essays for me
expository essay topics
type my essay
thesis writing service
 
cheap speech ghostwriters website for phd
professional case study writer website au
write an essay on my class teacher has really helped me
popular presentation ghostwriting for hire ca
transfer college essays examples
paid leave application letter
custom mba essay writer services online
14th amendment essay main points videos
100 college essay questions illinois state university
writing my essay exam judicial
pay to get women and gender studies critical thinking
how to write 2 page essay on a books
1500 words essay reddit how many pages double spaced
how to write a good college essay reddit uk
100 word essay on basketball reference
custom dissertation proposal writing site for mba
teaching english how to write an essay youtube second language in india
popular essays proofreading services for school
cheap essay writing help
professional admission essay editing sites au
200 words essay on newspaper apj abdul kalam in 1000
 
top phd personal essay example
dissertation topics in international criminal law
topics comparative essay
esl problem solving proofreading sites for college
drug addiction causes essay
professional masters essay writer service online
pay to write popular rhetorical analysis essay on brexit
1 page essay question paper telugu 7th class with solutions pdf
Logged